On the week of Halloween celebration of this year, CNN reported that Nickelodeon was brainwashing the children over the United States by showing other children who are standing up for their beliefs. It was January 28, 2007, when Nick News with Linda Ellerbee presented “Rebels with a Cause” about five stories of children who aren’t afraid to take actions on their belief. All of the five stories are based on controversial social issues that we are facing as a society today. The first segment was about children take action on child labor used to produce clothing for United States consumers. The second segment was about a boy spoken out against the use of torture on prisoner with suspected terrorist connections. The third segment was about children hoping to bring attention to the negative impact high stakes testing on instructional methods and to eventually change the state law. The fourth segment was about the animals rights of how animals are being abuse in the circus. The last segment was about a girl who does not support the War in Iraq and even protested at the State Capitol in her home state. All of the stories showed the Nick News with Linda Ellerbee is happen in the moment and they are very important act forward. But the most contentious segments were the second and last segment of the “Rebels with a Cause”. The CNN people made a big deal about how a cartoon network like Nickelodeon was showing serious controversial issues to children who are turn to their network to watch cartoon not to informal what is happening in the United States and the world. On the Halloween night, CNN invited children psychologists to their program and they ask them how did the action of Nick New with Linda Ellerbee showing the episode was dramatic or not to the children. Then they asked the viewers to send their comments on their blog board website. On the online article of John Stephenson, he reported that one of the members of the Army Wife Toddler Mom website makes a statement “This Nickelodeon “news program” is not a news program. It is a leftist primer on how to be a “left-wing radical rebel.” I strongly disagree with this statement; the Nick News with Linda Ellerbee had been more informal than the local news. Children today are smarter that they are able to establish their own opinions faced in front of them. If any of segments were additionally reported in any local news and cable news programs recite. No one will be making money for the corporal businesses.
Proof-read my paragraph PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
The best informative writing is concise. In other words, it gets to the point without a lot of extra words. Why use three words where one word will do just as well? Also, watch your use of past and present tense. Only use the present tense if the action is going on at the moment you are writing.
Instead of “On the week of Halloween celebration” consider “During the Halloween week.”
“brainwashing the children over the United States” should be “brainwashing children in the United States”.
“It was January 28, 2007, when Nick News” is too passive. Try “On January 28, 2007, Nick News” instead.
“stories of children who aren’t afraid” should be past tense: “stories of children who weren’t afraid”.
“about children take action” should be “about how children taking action” or “about how children should take action”.
“a boy spoken out against” should be “a boy speaking out against”.
“impact high stakes testing” should be “impact of high stakes testing”.
“the animals rights of how animals are being abuse in the circus” should be “animal rights and how animals are abused in the circus”.
“All of the stories showed the Nick News with Linda Ellerbee is happen in the moment and they are very important act forward.” I’m not sure what you are trying to say in this sentence. Perhaps you meant to write, “All of these Nick News stories are happening right now, and they are very important to our future.”
In “the second and last segment” segment should be plural: “segments”.
“who are turn to their network” should be “who are turning to their network”. Also, cartoon should be plural: “cartoons”.
“not to informal” should be “not to become informed”.
This sentence is also difficult to understand: “On the Halloween night, CNN invited children psychologists to their program and they ask them how did the action of Nick New with Linda Ellerbee showing the episode was dramatic or not to the children.” Change “children psychologists” to “child psychologists”, “they ask” to “they asked”, and “how did the action” to “how the action”. I would rewrite this whole sentence thusly: “On Halloween night, CNN asked child psychologists how the Nick News program would affect children.” That’s much shorter, to the point, and easier to understand.
“to send their comments on their blog board website” should be “to post their comments on the CNN blog”. All blogs are websites, so you don't need to say it. Blogs and boards are both types of web sites, but they aren't the same. It's either a bulletin board or a blog.
“On the online article of John Stephenson, he reported” should be “In an online article, John Stephenson reported”.
“makes a statement” should be “stated”.
“more informal” should be “more informative”.
“Children today are smarter that they are able to establish their own opinions faced in front of them.” Should be “Children today are smart enough to form their own opinions on the issues they face.”
I have no idea what you are trying to say with the last two sentences. They don’t make any sense to me.
-yk
Reply:Yaakov, said everything I was thinking :)
Reply:On the online article of John Stephenson, he reported that one of the members of the Army Wife Toddler Mom website makes a statement “This Nickelodeon “news program” is not a news program.
do you see this sentence, where it says "this nickeloden"news program" ? get rid of the quotation marks between nickelodeon and news.
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